Resume

Mama Buffalowmn

Buffalo Moon Ranch, KS

Objective: Find like-minded folks. Build my tribe. Spread love. Alternately, win the lottery and retire to a hammock someplace where people will bring me fruity drinks in half a coconut.

Education:

  • There was that one time in high school when I burned my hands because a pot holder slipped and I dropped the 400-degree muffin pan and then tried to bat it up onto the stove with my other hand so it wouldn’t melt the linoleum floor and ended up grabbing it bare-handed instead; I learned that linoleum preservation isn’t that important.
  • And there was that time when I met the guy and moved him in after 6 weeks and he wouldn’t hold down a job so I quit college to work full-time to support us and he ended up running off with someone else anyway; I learned that sometimes your parents are right, and I also learned that you can absolutely go back to school but this time it’s gonna cost you out the nose.
  • In related news, I learned a lot about student loan repayment, both through this experience and through a job I held–and hated–later, where I also learned that they weren’t kidding when they said that when push comes to shove, you’ll take any job you can get that keeps you afloat…and then stick with it way longer than you ever imagined, because it’s either that or going to live under the overpass.

Experience:

That One Daycare Center

  • As a teacher, was charged with the care and education of groups of kids ranging in age from six weeks to twelve years. Accomplishments include training them never to use the word “hate” in my presence; teaching them the word “disappointed”, as in “You’re not a bad kid; I’m just disappointed in your decision”; and cleaning a whole lot of poop off a whole lot of surfaces. Zero casualties.
  • As a member of management, was charged with overseeing daily operations of the center, including convincing parents to pay us ludicrous amounts of money, convincing teachers to work for ridiculously low pay, and being The Voice of God to kids who didn’t think the teachers really meant it. Zero casualties, except the folks I had to fire, and they had it comin’.

The Call Center of Doom

  • As a representative, took calls from people profoundly in debt to the government. Explained their options (usually “pay up”), explained where the debts came from in the first place (pro tip: Bubba Joe’s School of Truckin’ And Hair Design is not a reputable college, kids, and will not, in fact, secure you a great-paying job after you finish their certification program. Also, “certification” does not equal “degree”), and explained the difference between grants (aka “that thing you did not get”) and loans (aka “that thing you did sign for and have to pay back”). Zero casualties.
  • As a supervisor, trained new staff members, then oversaw their daily productivity. Did, in fact, use gold stars as an incentive. Did, in fact, keep candy on my desk as an incentive. Did not, in fact, think it was a “great place to work”, but was paid to say it was, and it was either that or the aforementioned life under the overpass. Sorry, gang. Zero casualties, except for the folks who washed out of training; in retrospect, maybe covering Dealing With the Suicidal Caller on the first day wasn’t such a great plan.

Homemaker/Domestic Goddess/Cat Wrangler

  • Currently charged with providing care and maintenance of one husband, two dogs, and two cats. Accomplishments include perfecting my chili recipe (Dad would be so proud), making all sorts of stuff from scratch (including laundry detergent, both bread and butter, and wrapping paper), and making laundry sound like the sort of thing that takes one’s whole day (no it doesn’t. There are lots of long gaps when there’s a load in the washer and a load in the dryer and nothing to do in the interim. I like to use that time for catching up on novels). Zero casualties…so far.
  • Also holding down a part-time job as a Virtual Assistant. This always feels like it’s taking more time than it actually does, at least according to my timesheets, but it provides some income to send to Mom to help out.

Awards, Accomplishments, and Volunteerism:

  • Assorted company-specific awards at various jobs, including some “…of the Year” awards that seemed like a really big deal at the time and now just collect dust on the shelf. Whatevs.
  • I organize food drives for the local food pantry, Gas Card drives for the local women’s shelter, and Adopt-a-Family drives for the holiday season. Participate in worldwide Love Letters campaign. Maintain weight-loss/exercise/healthy choices Mutual Motivation group online. Attempt to spread positivity (or at least a chuckle) via blog. Post frequent love bombs, People Being Nice to Each Other stories, and uplifting images on Facebook in attempt to accomplish same. Tell funny stories, because laughter makes things better.
  • Have beaten Budget Tetris on the hardest levels.
  • Can feed a village if given access to flour, water, and fat.
  • Zero casualties.

 

…I’ve often said that people should have a “real” resume, one that discusses their actual skills that may or may not have anything to do with getting a job, because our “official” resume tends to sell us very, very short. Yes, I can type at insane speeds; but I can also get just about any infant to fall asleep–and when Junior has been screaming for 45 minutes, nobody cares how fast you can type. I can sound unbelievably professional on the phone, sure; but I can also go from “oh crap, everything is still frozen” to “dinner is served” in less than an hour. I can make a crying person laugh. I can bring people together, and get them to accomplish the miraculous. I can find the exact gift that will make a loved one cry tears of joy, and I can improvise and think quickly on my feet. I’ve got skills, in other words, that never show up on paper, but which make me unique and valuable. Skills that make me a better person. Skills that make me a good friend.

Skills that (apparently) make you keep coming back to this blog.

So if you’ve got some time today, ‘Tracters, allow me to suggest that you take some time and think about what your “real” resume would look like. What have you really learned? What have you really done as a result of your jobs? What have you really accomplished? Why should you be in the Zombie Apocalypse fort? Why do people love you?

‘Cause y’know, I think the answers might surprise even you.

Rock on with your bad self,

Mama BW

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Filed under General Musings and Meanderings, Play Nicely

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